Currently Reading 100 Selected Poems By e. e. cummings see related

i have been hospitalized for a mental illness.

it wasn't a surprise.

Life goals I will achieve this summer.

15.)hold down a job.
32.)run my mile in 7:30 flat.
37.)find someone who cares for me.
68.)ride the top thrill dragster.
71.)find a new charity to support.
78.)get into my dream college.
85.)join a church.
89.)correct my life.

MORNING, THREE

I rise up singing from your belly,
like some glad keeper of the palace swans
content to serve your navel
as an acolyte would serve his unseen God
and take your perspiration as communion.

Rolling now together in our bedroom world
we'll map out elbows and each other's backs.
There are some parts of you
              that have no highways.
Hairy forests cover even well-worn paths
but every forest has it's own surprises
and the hiker coming through the glade
can only marvel as Columbus would
at sailing past the old world's edge.

Volcanoes now erupting
down below your belly
are saying that your breakfast
                is past due.
Orange juice then
or coffee brioche
or one more gentle feeding mouth to mouth.
I'll wash the sleep from off your eyes
and rub myself in shoulder smells
and touch your back from top to bottom
too happy to remember other backs.

Back into the forest
to lose myself and find myself
and fall back dying once again
in your arms only,
and wound your breasts
with new hands one more time.

The day gone or going
we'll bus from room to room
and I'll protest the eyes of furniture
             or flowers
or everything that looks at you but me.

I like the bed unmade.
It smells like each of us in turn
and each of us together.
I know the telephone
is crying for attention.
A minute more.
It's not the telephone at all
but celebrations of a brand-new kind
ringing from the watching walls.

Look at us.
It doesn't matter any more.
You like my weight and too fast breath
              and smile in disbelief.
I'm smiling too.
I've yet to think of last week's friend
or Julie Andrews' face.

..yes. i think it's like that.

Currently Reading The Sun Also Rises By Ernest Hemingway see related

it's been such a high school kind of month.
my ACT scores were fairly high considering my pessimistic attitude throughout the test.
ten points higher then what i need to get into Ursuline.
prom is today.
attending is not an option.
anxiety would plague my body until i was a trembling pile of lethargic mess hiding in the bathroom.
all that money wasted for one night of "bliss."
i don't get it.
80% of activities the average teenager enjoys baffles me.
.............................
my former love has overdosed for a second time now.
death is the only result coming of this.
next time...
i can't handle a next time.
i feel terrible for the Virginia Tech victims and survivors.
i'm sorry for your damaged hearts.
.............................
thinking about the future has me in a quandary.
i simply cannot argue.
i mean, not earnestly.
i despise confrontation of any sort.
if i can't even accomplish this facile job of sticking up for myself, will the proverbial real world eat me alive?
i don't know.
maybe i'll land somewhere lucky when it spits me back out.
i wish my thoughts didn't dishearten me so often.

Currently Reading God: The Failed Hypothesis. How Science Shows That God Does Not Exist By Victor J Stenger see related

"Can we wake up in the morning, confident that there are other good people in the world, doing fascinating things, providing products and services that further our lives, our goals, our happiness, and should we thus embrace their freedom and productivity?"

maybe. i'm not sure anymore.
call me young, call me naive,
but i want so badly to believe that there are good people in the world.
despite extreme efforts i have not been blessed by one of these people.
i want love for a person to be as delicate and loyal as love for a lucky number.
i want someone to adore me despite my flaws.
i want to be helped as i have helped.
cruelty..is exhausting .
but that is the life we lead.
maybe when i am able to "spread my wings" in college i will understand.
[how to toughen up my heart]
what a depressing thought.

.........

i am not a very religious person, but i do believe in adherence to certain standards.
i don't know..it has always been a rubberband effect for me.
things that have been haunting us our whole lives; good and evil..god and the devil...heaven and hell.
it seems as though most of us (referring to decent human beings) are caught in the middle.
i don't know about you, but i loathe the middle.

..........

i am reluctant to show my friends this site.
i think i will reserve the judgement for strangers that cannot hurt me.

.........

i am weak.
i took the ACT this morning.
thank you for showing me how much i don't know.